My Struggle
In John 3:16 Jesus said, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
For some reason I could not understand this verse beyond the fact that Jesus was sent so that if I believed in Him, I would not perish in hell but have eternal life and go to heaven. I think that I got a grasp of the perishing part of this verse and I did not want anything to do with hell. On the other hand I got a partial understanding with the eternal life part, because I thought that it was a benefit for the future.
I thought that the reason I was saved at a young age was so that I could serve God with my whole life and lay up treasures in heaven for a better and rewarding life after death.
“Thank God I shall no more die the second death[2] for I have passed from death unto life[3].” Of course, that was settled (i.e. I shall no more die the second death ) and my salvation was complete in view of the fact that I had been baptized by immersion and had received the baptism with the Holy Spirit.
My struggles though, were in my lack of knowledge and understanding concerning the “salvation of the now,” which is, “I have passed from death unto life” as a present tense reality. I was very sure that my past sins were washed away but was not very sure that I was accepted and pleasing to God at all times in the now and here; given that I had to always confess all sins and put them under the blood so that I would be ready for Jesus’ return.
The burden of salvation for the now and here was my responsibility. I thought that I had to “work out my salvation with fear and trembling[4]” and attain through my efforts.
Sermons I heard on, “salvation as a free gift” were limited to the initial born again experience. Therefore my experience was that it was very costly trying to please God as a Christian and failing to measure-up all the time. You must “pay the price” was a common phrase in the language of the church folks of the day.
Please, don’t get me wrong, I believe in “paying the price” as part of the Christian walk. Some things in life only come our way in exchange for others. Self denial is not cheap. The anointing for ministry is costly and there is a cost for true discipleship. But I could not determine which part of salvation was free and which required a price to be paid by me in order to satisfy the heart of God. Thus the confusion I was in.
This struggle with trying to please God and failing to do so then became a circle. And it went on like that for many years. Romans chapter 7:19 (“For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.”) describes exactly what my experience was.
I searched for answers from the leaders of the church by asking questions and reading many books from the church library and other books that were recommended by those who have been following the Lord for a longer time before me.
Praise God, the day came when I experienced another “phase of salvation.” Click here to continue reading!
[2] Revelation 20:6
[3] 1 John 3:14
[4] Philippians 1:12